Alain over here is French. He watches over us, kind, gentle soul that he is. He does some of our gardening. Occasionally he’ll laboriously get down on his old creaking knees to fetch a marble that’s rolled under the counter. Yes, sometimes he does fall asleep on the job and, yes, he is occasionally caught behind a bush drinking a martini straight from the shaker– but today he’s decided to redeem himself by beseeching you, lovely people, to come see us on Tuesdays. The rest of this post, in case you become confused, was dictated to me by Alain himself.
“Ello gud peepl! Eet ees mai plezhur to finalee be aloud to speek to you personallee. (Dey doo not, ouw shell I sey, alloow me a lot of fereedem arouwnd eere, as I appen to be a doll.) Eer iz mai anoncement: Komm too our stor everee Toosdai [Editor’s note: EVERY TUESDAY] starteeng tumorow, beekos eet vil bee veree much fun. Der vil bee soo mani sevings [Editor’s note: SAVINGS]— laike, hmmmm, buy threee giftes end yu vil get de third won at alf off [Editor’s note: Every third gift will be half-off] end oder such creziness. Ansuer reedle end get free booke, buy ardcover and get oll peperbecks at 30% off [Editor’s note: Buy one hardcover at regular 20% discount, get every Paperback at 30%] bay stuf veech ees mor dan 60 dolaars end get free greeting cardes, end meny oder seemeelar madness! Yu must komm save me from these people, one of whom spends whole minutes of her day typing from the point of view of a doll in an unrecognizable pseudo-French/Austrian/Ukranian “accent” end djoin us for de festeeveetees!”